Decreasing Anxiety and Boosting Kids’ Psychological Immunity, Even During Adverse Experiences
By Noel Foy
Parents, teachers and coaches play a powerful role in shaping kids’ psychological immunity, which can protect their emotional health and help them cope with anxiety-provoking events.
Kids look to their parents and the adults around them for how to interpret unexpected or stressful situations. Even infants and toddlers notice anxiety in adults and can pick up on their tone, mood or language cues.
For families who experience trauma and adverse childhood experiences (ACE’s) (i.e. abuse, violence, divorce, incarceration, addiction), it places extra challenges on parent’s ability to talk about and respond to highly stressful events.
What do kids need to boost their psychological immunity?
First and foremost, kids need to feel safe, loved and supported.
Kids and parents must also be equipped with skills to help manage anxiety and:
tolerate some level of uncertainty
put their words to feelings (emotional management)
become effective problem solvers
connect with others
How can families build psychological immunity?
What follows are examples of practical language and productive responses parents (and other adults) can add to their toolbox to decrease anxiety and build skills to boost mental health, even during difficult times.
Practical Language:
Validate how you/your child feel:
It’s normal to feel anxious in times of uncertainty or crisis. Acknowledge these feelings with the words Of Course & and. For example, “Of course this is scary, and we are here to protect and support you through this difficult time.”
Listen to your child and help develop self-awareness by identifying emotions (i.e. frustration, anxiety, anger). This is what psychiatrist and professor Dr. Daniel Siegel calls “name it to tame it.” For example, if your child appears agitated or reluctant about going to school, ask him/her to tell you more. Your child may say, “I don’t know if my teacher will like me or Who will I sit with at lunch?” You can respond, “It sounds like you’re anxious about going to school.” After naming the emotion, collaboratively problem-solve how to face the stressor.
Avoid ineffective comments such as, “Don’t worry about it, Get over it or You’re worried about that?”
Talk about what’s happening in developmentally appropriate ways:
If dealing with a crisis, it’s not necessary to “get into the weeds” with kids; however, acknowledge something is happening (i.e. even young children can relate to the concept of someone taking something that does not belong to them). Share concrete information (i.e. we’re collecting food, helping folks find shelter, etc.). Be mindful about kids overhearing adult conversations.
Follow the child’s lead by asking, “What do you know about this?” Encourage kids to “look for the helpers” and share examples of people who can keep them safe.
Avoid worst case scenario language
Catastrophic language sends unnecessary alarm messages to the brain/body, so avoid comments such as, “You’ll never catch up, Last school year was a total loss, Junior year is the end all/be all to future success.”
Productive Responses:
Model flexibility:
Acknowledge times when you or your child have adapted to change or came up with a solution to something that didn’t go as planned. This builds resilience, flexibility and problem solving, which can send a message of hope that productive change is possible.
Keep routine and play part of the day:
Develop routines as much as possible (i.e. morning, school, afternoon, sleep, self-care, etc.) Make play part of the day for kids. Shoot for joyful moments (i.e. bring new energy into a room by dancing or singing).
Learn ways to self-regulate and reset:
Adults and children of all ages, even toddlers, can reduce anxiety by shifting their attention from worried thoughts to what they can see, smell, hear, feel and taste. Tune into the senses when engaging in a reset strategy such as breathing techniques, mindfulness, exercise/movement and music.
Keep in mind: it’s key for parents to learn how to manage their own stress, and the best time to teach kids a reset strategy is when they’re calm, not stressed.
Maintain a sense of belonging and connection:
Positive childhood experiences build belongingness and connection. They can even help buffer the negative impact of ACE’s and predict positive outcomes related to school, health and life, in the short and long term.
A 2019 John Hopkins University study identified 7 Positive Childhood Experiences that can boost kid’s psychological immune system and prevent mental health issues:
Ability to talk to family about feelings
Family stands by child in tough times
Participation in community traditions
Feels sense of belonging in school
Feels supported by friends
Has 2 non-parent adults that take an interest in child
Feels safe and protected by adult at home
Ask yourself, “How are your kids experiencing positive connections during school? How about after school?” Add more of these types of connections with family, friends, caregivers or community helpers, if needed.
When families are empowered with ways to talk about and respond to stressful situations, they can decrease anxiety, build resilience and enjoy better mental and physical health, even when bad things happen.
Noel Foy
Noel is an award-winning author of ABC Worry Free and recently released her second book, Are You a Bird Like Me? She is a neuroeducation consultant who specializes in workshops and one-on-one coaching for schools, families, and professionals in anxiety, stress management and executive function. She is a former classroom teacher and learning specialist who is passionate about sharing practical problem-solving tools to decrease stress, promote healthy change and maximize success in all facets of life.
Watch an interview with Noel about this blog featuring tips for in-the-moment stress reduction here:
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[Sarah] I would like to introduce our special guest, Neuro Noel, also known as Noel Foy, who is here to talk with us about many things that she does in the field supporting neuroeducation. How are you today, Noel?
[Noel] I am doing great. It's great to see you, Sarah. Thanks for inviting me.
[Sarah] It's so great to have you back. If you could just tell our audience if they don't know you from previous work that you've done for Confianza or in your own work, kind of who you are, what you do to support educators, students, and families.
[Noel] Sure. So I'm a neuro educational consultant, and I provide workshops and one-on-one coaching for schools and families and students in anxiety, executive function, growth mindset. And I'm also a children's author. I've written two books, "ABC, Worry Free" and "Are You A Bird Like Me?" And I do anything I can to support families and schools, and I've been working a lot with more adults these days. So, you know, like, even out of the education space, you know, in the corporate space. So a lot of people are experiencing anxiety, kids and adults.
[Sarah] Wow. It's such an important topic and it feels like things are getting a little less stigmatized around mental health in general. And so we're so glad that you're available to educate us both in the blogs that you've done for Confianza and your website where people can find you. Where can people find you, Noel?
[Noel] www.neuronoel. And they'll find lots of information about my workshops and my author visits. I've been doing a lot of author visits because of the books, and there's some blogs there, obviously, the ones that we've collaborated on and several others and some other resources too.
[Sarah] Love it. I mean, I've been having to go back to the first blog you wrote for us in the beginning of the pandemic. It's called, "What Teachers and Parents Need to Know About How Stress Impacts Kids and Learning." It's one of our most popular blogs around that whole piece of understanding the brain and how stress can really impact our executive functioning. That was true more than ever, right, with the whole pandemic upon us and in schools and with families, and everyone, like you said, everyone's affected.
[Noel] Absolutely. And I think learning about the brain is super exciting, and I find that kids really get excited when they realize that there's something that they can do, and there's things that they can do to rewire their brain. So I'm a big fan of parents learning about neuroplasticity and teachers teaching kids about the brain and how you can help it grow and change based on how you use it.
[Sarah] Mmm, fantastic. I know as a coach, you know, myself, and my team supporting schools around improving culture and really honoring diversity and focusing on equity, neuroplasticity is so important for everything. Your focus is really around mental health and emotional wellbeing. So talk to us a little bit about what you've seen, if you don't mind, from kind of when the pandemic started, where we are now, and what families are dealing with. So how can we continue to address our mental health issues?
[Noel] Right. So we know that kids from unstable homes, we know that women and racial minorities, low-income folks and those who are experiencing job and family loss and those who had mental health and learning issues to begin with, we know that they were at the highest risk. And we also have discovered that those who are at low risk and those who had some resources and strategies already in place and had healthy social connections have done pretty well. So there's good news. I think that kids and adults are more resilient than we sometimes think. And I think that learning some new tips and strategies, I think that this pandemic was an opportunity in many ways to help us to take social and emotional learning a little bit more seriously and help to destigmatize mental health and to really value it, that we all need strategies and tools to help us weather certain storms.
And so I think there was a lot of uncertainty, of course, 'cause we didn't really know what to expect. We had to make a lot of changes throughout the pandemic. We were constantly adapting, we were learning a lot of new things, and there was a lot of stressors, of course, on kids and adults. And, you know, where we are now. I feel that, you know, it was, I think for some, very hard to, let's say, segue to remote learning. If you had to do that and you were missing the face-to-face connection, well, then when we went back to being face-to-face again, a lot of people struggled with that, you know, so change and uncertainty usually increases anxiety in people. So now that we're back face-to-face, we are seeing a lot of kids who, let's say, have experienced some learning loss. A lot of teachers will report that kids seem behind social and emotionally too, that they're having more challenges with self-regulation, more outburst, maybe more difficulty making friends and connecting with people.
So we know throughout the pandemic that, you know, we really missed out on a lot of practice, especially for kids with their developing brains, that they weren't getting that same face-to-face practice that they would have, you know, with social interactions and just being in those daily situations with building executive function and having to work out, let's say, conflicts with sharing a toy or on the playground, they were missing out on a lot of that skill building practice. So I do believe with support that kids will catch up again. I am not like a doom and gloom kinda person. I feel there's optimism in the air, for me anyway.
[Sarah] I think it's exciting and I agree, I think the focus on what has been termed previously the SEL, like you said, the social emotional learning needs to be integrated. People see the importance of it now. It's becoming more and more present. One of the strategies that you talk about in your newest blog that you wrote for us which is called "Decreasing Anxiety and Boosting Kids Psychological Immunity, Even During Adverse Experiences," is this validation, naming the emotion, and really supporting students to, not just students, but children, you know, to really, like you said, another professional in the field calls name it to tame it. Can you talk a little bit about why that strategy is so important with children, but also with adults as well?
[Noel] I feel it's a great start with executive function of developing self-awareness and, you know, a simple mind and body check at the beginning of a class can be a great way to just start to develop that self-awareness of kind of where you are in that moment and what can you do if you are feeling a little off or you're feeling a little frustrated or you're starting to struggle. So I just feel helping develop that skill of self-awareness is just super important for kids. And to know that there's something that they can do about it. And we'll probably talk about some of those things that they can do, you know, a little bit later in our discussion.
But I think it really starts there is with some self-awareness and for, you know, adults as well. You know, sometimes we might, as adults, just wanna make it look like we have it all together, that we don't feel frustration or anger, you know, or anxiety. And I think it's really helpful for kids to develop a language of expressing their emotions in healthy ways. Like to me, good mental health is really about expressing an emotion that makes sense in the situation and being able to express it in a productive way, you know, and to help kids know that it's normal from time to time to feel anxiety or feel anger or frustration. And there's a way we can do it in a productive way, and there's non-productive ways that we can express those emotions. So I think it's really helpful for them to develop the language and some tools for managing those emotions.
[Sarah] Hmm, it's really making those invisible pieces more visible. And I'm thinking too in just parents that I know and seeing things in classrooms this year especially, when adults can empower students or build that efficacy with children to name it to tame it, it also helps the adults too because we're all kind of unpacking these emotions together and being okay with discomfort. Like you said, we don't all have to be perfect. That's something that we see in our coaching a lot. We've always seen it, Noel, but especially this year when we're coaching educators, my team and I, is trying to move past trying to have it all together, and trying to move past this perfection, this false perfection of being a teacher. We know teachers are experiencing burnout more than ever and leaving the profession in mass, educators of all levels.
And so it's an interesting parallel as you're talking about, you know, validation being a really important part, a really important strategy among many others, right?
[Noel] Yeah, I think the validation is huge. I think, you know, in time period where I grew up, you would, you know, a lot of, let's say, feedback might have been during tough times is just suck it up, right? And while that might have helped me build resilience, it didn't ever validate how I was feeling about something, you know, whether I was angry or anxious about something. So I didn't learn as a young person to express emotions. I just kinda like, they were dismissed, you know? Or you were kinda sent a message to just kinda shut them down and not deal with them. And we know that's not very healthy.
So I think helping kids to know that it's normal and to validate how they're feeling can be one step in just bringing that anxiety down a notch and to know then there's something we can do about it as well. And kids are always looking to adults for how to handle difficult times. So I think, you know, a modeling from parents and teachers, coaches is incredibly powerful.
[Sarah] It's like we're all in this together, and children need to be at the center, but we're not immune. We wanna be psychologically immune, but we wanna build our own psychological immunity as well is what I'm hearing.
[Noel] Absolutely. I mean, we might be learning as the kids are learning.
[Sarah] Exactly.
[Noel] Right?
[Sarah] No, we are. I know I am. It's a whole new way of looking at growth and understanding yourself.
[Noel] Yes. Yeah, I think it's really powerful.
[Sarah] Well, thank you.
[Noel] Can feel a little uncomfortable at first 'cause you might feel a little bit vulnerable, and maybe as educators, we might not have typically felt that way. And kids look up to us and maybe think we have the answers to everything. And you mentioned about perfectionism, you know, that's rewarded in society even though it's fairly toxic and it's really unattainable. So I think high standards is wonderful and excellence is achievable. The perfectionism is not so much.
[Sarah] Mm-hmm. So vulnerability is a big takeaway for this conversation. It's important to allow each other to be vulnerable. You also talk about making sure that you can help model and teach students, teach kids how to self-regulate. So again, they're looking to us. So doing those things ourselves, tuning into our senses is one thing that you talk about, mindfulness, breathing, and making sure that we're integrating that into the classroom and into the home as well.
[Noel] Yeah. And a lot of the strategies that I focus on are, I'd call them relatively quick, 'cause teachers, you know, I'm a former classroom teacher so I understand the demands that teachers are under, and, you know, they might be thinking, oh gosh, one more thing I have to add to my plate with all the other things that I'm trying to accomplish this year with my students.
And the kind of strategies that we're talking about are like, kind of, I'll put 'em in like a reset kind of category that can be done in like one to three minutes. And I can say, if a student is in a state of high stress and they're showing signs of fight, flight, or freeze, they're not learning anyway. They have shut down. They're not able to take in the information that you're teaching them. And as a teacher, you can start to notice when you're losing your students, you know, whether they're spacing out the window, their heads down the desk, or they're throwing something, or they're saying something, you know, out of turn, they're disruptive. In those moments, kids are not receptive to learning anyway.
So I feel it's better to pump the brakes and stop and reset and try to get them back because if I just kinda carry on with the lesson, chances are I'm gonna have to reteach it anyway. So I think it's worth pausing. So, yes. You know, like you could do some breathing techniques. I don't know if you want me to share them now or if you have, you know, thoughts about me talking about those in another point in our conversation. What would you prefer?
[Sarah] I mean, if you could give us one takeaway, so one gem that you think is a really important one, especially in those moments where, as a teacher, you're realizing this affective filter is up, kids are not learning, you kinda lost control, if you will. What do you recommend that we do in those moments? What's one good one?
[Noel] I mean I'm a big fan of the breathing and a mind-body check where you really tune into your senses. So anything you can do where you can shift from your worry thoughts or your frustrating thoughts, your angry thoughts, if you can shift into the body, like for example, one hand on the chest, one hand on the belly, and inhale for four seconds, exhale for six seconds and really shift into the body instead of thinking about everything you're angry about or let's say, anxious about, be thinking about the rise and fall of the chest and the belly. Be thinking about what it feels like for the air to go in through your nose, out through your mouth.
So when you can dial into the senses, that can really pump the brakes and bring down the anxiety. Another one that can be kind of fun that can involve breathing as well is just like, kind of start to breathe. You just take, you know, your dominant hand. So I'm right-handed. And so as I inhale, I'm going up my finger, and I'm just gonna trace my finger. So let's say I inhale for four seconds going up, exhale for six seconds going down. Pause for just a second. Inhale for four, exhale for six. And then you continue that throughout your tracing. I like four, six. And I feel when you're anxious particularly, you need a longer exhale than an inhale.
So this little finger tracing is a way to dial into your senses as well and incorporate the breathing at the same time. So anything that incorporates breathing, slow, deep breathing and tuning into the body and the senses.
[Sarah] Excellent. That's very, very helpful. I'm excited to try that one in professional development, especially the hand one 'cause it's so visual and it gives you a beginning and an end. So it's not just one deep breath. But it's taking a real pause point to check in and to calm yourself down.
[Noel] Yes. And it's quick, right? You could do it any place, any time. I mean, we always have our breathing at our disposal, and that's why that's my go-to. I have a lot of others, but that one I feel like I could do that any place, any time. You know, I could even be in a meeting. Maybe in a meeting with a bunch of people around me, I might not put my hand on my chest and my belly, maybe I just put my hand on my belly, you know, and try to be a little more discreet. But I can still do that with others around me. I don't need to go off to a room by myself. And so the finger one I feel is a little bit, you can do that a little discreetly as well, but you could do, it'd be great to do it in a class, you know, and have all the kids doing that at the same time. And you can do that between one to three minutes.
[Sarah] It's a wonderful set of ideas. And I know you have so many other examples and strategies to share with us, Noel. This is just a tidbit. Again, your latest blog for Confianza, "Decreasing Anxiety and Building This Psychological Immunity for Kids" has some ideas in it. But please contact Noel if you're looking for more. She has a wealth of experience in this. I love that you bring your classroom teacher lens into it. So you've been there like us, you know how it can be, and you understand what we're dealing with right now.
[Noel] Yeah. I think it's really helpful, you know, with the second blog that we collaborated on to think about what are the more positive connections we can bring into kids' and adults' lives. And, you know, we're all gonna have a combination of some positive and negative, but what could we take out that's a little bit negative and what could we add a little bit more positive? And, you know, even kids who have, you know, dealt with factors on the ACE, you know, dealing with adverse child experiences or let's say some trauma, we know that the more positive experiences they have, whether it's the people in their life, you know, having other people besides their parents that they could go to or having, you know, real authentic friendships, doesn't have to be 10 friends. Just one or two, to have somebody that they can trust. You know, we talked about vulnerability earlier. It's hard to be vulnerable if you don't feel safe and you don't, if you're not in an environment that you feel you can trust. So yeah, in the blog, I give like a list of about seven positive connections, and those have really shown through the research to really make a difference, even for kids that are in environments that are high risk or kids that are, you know, going through some adverse experiences. Those are ways to boost their resilience.
[Sarah] Love it. Fantastic ideas. And really, I think connects to our mission of, you know, improving culture in schools, improving culture in organizations, and just really fostering this communication. So destigmatizing, you know, anxiety, naming scary feelings, and helping each other boost our psychological immunity. We're so grateful for your advice here.
[Noel] Thank you. I mean, I think another big thing to be mindful of is how we talk about scary things and how we talk about challenges. When we use catastrophic language, doom and gloom language, it kind of can amp the anxiety up. So I talk about in both of those blogs about the power of language, you know, using words like of course and and, like of course, challenges, or of course, going back to school, or of course, dealing with this post-pandemic stage is challenging, and we can feel nervous and move forward at the same time. Or, and we're all in this together. We can use words like, this stinks, and we can handle it with these strategies. You know, so the language that we use and the responses that we model for kids is really powerful. And both of those are talked in more detail in the blogs.
[Sarah] Yes, yes. Language matters so much, we know that, you know, with the language lens work that we do. So thank you for that reminder. I would also just add one thing that I'm trying to do as a diversity and inclusion and equity leader is try not to use words that further stigmatize mental health. Just, oh, that's crazy, or that's bonkers, or that's schizo. I'm really watching my language in terms of just talking with other adults and students and people in all spaces, because I've really come to realize that's not helpful, and, you know, even experience things that I have in my life. I don't wanna perpetuate that. I want people to feel safe to reach out and not, you know, otherwise people experiencing that 'cause we all experience challenges.
[Noel] Absolutely. Yeah, no, that's a really good point. I mean, a lot of times we'll hear, oh, you're manic, you know, or you're crazy and we're just using them in a way that's, you know, maybe more about the drama, you know, of creating drama, but it's not being used in a very accurate way or it's not very productive, I guess. So to your point, I think the language really matters.
[Sarah] Yeah, it does. It all does. Well, thank you again. It's so nice to reconnect with you on the other side, sort of, of the pandemic. I'm not sure where we are, but it's just so wonderful to get your advice, and I look forward to future collaborations with you, Noel. Thank you so much.
[Noel] Oh, well, thank you so much. Thanks for all the hard work you're doing.
[Sarah] Well, right back at you.
[Noel] Thank you. I love collaborating with you.
[Sarah] The feeling is mutual.
[Noel] All right. Great to see you, Sarah. Thank you.
[Sarah] Thank you, Noel.Description text goes here