By Noel Foy

Parents, teachers and coaches play a powerful role in shaping kids’ psychological immunity, which can protect their emotional health and help them cope with anxiety-provoking events. 

Kids look to their parents and the adults around them for how to interpret unexpected or stressful situations. Even infants and toddlers notice anxiety in adults and can pick up on their tone, mood or language cues.

For families who experience trauma and adverse childhood experiences (ACE’s) (i.e. abuse, violence, divorce, incarceration, addiction), it places extra challenges on parent’s ability to talk about and respond to highly stressful events.

What do kids need to boost their psychological immunity?

First and foremost, kids need to feel safe, loved and supported. 

Kids and parents must also be equipped with skills to help manage anxiety and:

• tolerate some level of uncertainty

• put their words to feelings (emotional management)

• become effective problem solvers

• connect with others

How can families build psychological immunity? 

What follows are examples of practical language and productive responses parents (and other adults) can add to their toolbox to decrease anxiety and build skills to boost mental health, even during difficult times. 

Practical Language:

• Validate how you/your child feel:

  • It’s normal to feel anxious in times of uncertainty or crisis. Acknowledge these feelings with the words Of Course & and. For example, “Of course this is scary, and we are here to protect and support you through this difficult time.” 

  • Listen to your child and help develop self-awareness by identifying emotions (i.e. frustration, anxiety, anger). This is what psychiatrist and professor Dr. Daniel Siegel calls “name it to tame it.” For example, if your child appears agitated or reluctant about going to school, ask him/her to tell you more. Your child may say, “I don’t know if my teacher will like me or Who will I sit with at lunch?” You can respond, “It sounds like you’re anxious about going to school.” After naming the emotion, collaboratively problem-solve how to face the stressor. 

  • Avoid ineffective comments such as, “Don’t worry about it, Get over it or You’re worried about that?”

• Talk about what’s happening in developmentally appropriate ways: 

  • If dealing with a crisis, it’s not necessary to “get into the weeds” with kids; however, acknowledge something is happening (i.e. even young children can relate to the concept of someone taking something that does not belong to them). Share concrete information (i.e. we’re collecting food, helping folks find shelter, etc.). Be mindful about kids overhearing adult conversations.

  • Follow the child’s lead by asking, “What do you know about this?” Encourage kids to “look for the helpers” and share examples of people who can keep them safe. 

• Avoid worst case scenario language 

  • Catastrophic language sends unnecessary alarm messages to the brain/body, so avoid comments such as, “You’ll never catch up, Last school year was a total loss, Junior year is the end all/be all to future success.”

Productive Responses: 

• Model flexibility: 

  • Acknowledge times when you or your child have adapted to change or came up with a solution to something that didn’t go as planned. This builds resilience, flexibility and problem solving, which can send a message of hope that productive change is possible.

• Keep routine and play part of the day:

  • Develop routines as much as possible (i.e. morning, school, afternoon, sleep, self-care, etc.) Make play part of the day for kids. Shoot for joyful moments (i.e. bring new energy into a room by dancing or singing). 

• Learn ways to self-regulate and reset: 

  • Adults and children of all ages, even toddlers, can reduce anxiety by shifting their attention from worried thoughts to what they can see, smell, hear, feel and taste. Tune into the senses when engaging in a reset strategy such as breathing techniques, mindfulness, exercise/movement and music. 

  • Keep in mind: it’s key for parents to learn how to manage their own stress, and the best time to teach kids a reset strategy is when they’re calm, not stressed.

• Maintain a sense of belonging and connection:

  • Positive childhood experiences build belongingness and connection. They can even help buffer the negative impact of ACE’s and predict positive outcomes related to school, health and life, in the short and long term.

A 2019 John Hopkins University study identified 7 Positive Childhood Experiences that can boost kid’s psychological immune system and prevent mental health issues: 

1. Ability to talk to family about feelings

2. Family stands by child in tough times

3. Participation in community traditions

4. Feels sense of belonging in school

5. Feels supported by friends

6. Has 2 non-parent adults that take an interest in child

7. Feels safe and protected by adult at home

Ask yourself, “How are your kids experiencing positive connections during school? How about after school?” Add more of these types of connections with family, friends, caregivers or community helpers, if needed. 

When families are empowered with ways to talk about and respond to stressful situations, they can decrease anxiety, build resilience and enjoy better mental and physical health, even when bad things happen.

Noel Foy

Noel is an award-winning author of  ABC Worry Free  and recently released her second book, Are You a Bird Like Me?  She is a neuroeducation consultant who specializes in workshops and one-on-one coaching for schools, families, and professionals in anxiety, stress management and executive function. She is a former classroom teacher and learning specialist who is passionate about sharing practical problem-solving tools to decrease stress, promote healthy change and maximize success in all facets of life. 

Watch an interview with Noel about this blog featuring tips for in-the-moment stress reduction here: